“It’s just a white lie.” (part 2)
After two years, though I am no longer together with that person, I continued on my spiritual path. The days at the monastery taught me many things, that I wasn’t getting anywhere if I kept running away like that. Even in the pagoda, people would still recognize my gender. My only choice would be to confront it. I was honestly terrified, I didn’t know how to face my family and everybody.
But I believe that I’ve lived for someone else for too long. I’ve played the role of a child my parents could be proud of — an image that was not my own. I was tossing and turning every night, I wasn’t eating, and my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts about how I should act. Then, one evening, I grabbed my phone and called my parents. I told them why I took the vow and all those years ago.
I was bracing myself for them to be shocked, but they were… normal. Maybe they’ve known all along? The woman who carried me for 9 months has to be the person who knows me best; she just kept silent. Behind my back, my father cried a lot and accused me of not being empathetic toward him. When I told my parents the truth, my mother said: “When you enter the real world, you gotta choose if you’re a man or a woman. Otherwise, stay in the monastery.”
Though people weren’t shocked, they didn’t accept me either and told me to stay where I was. My parents were afraid that society would discriminate against me, and that they themselves would be humiliated. But I decided to live for myself, entering society and expressing who I am. I could still do whatever anyone else can. I left the temple empty-handed, without any help — not even acceptance — from my parents. I had to live with my adoptive parents. Somewhere in my parents’ minds, they still believed that I was just sick; I would grow out of it one day and get a wife and kids. Every time someone asked my mom how I would turn out, she responded with silence. I couldn’t stand seeing her like that, so I told her that, yes, I would get married and have kids one day. It’s just a white lie, but I cherish every day that I can still make them happy.
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Rồi Sẽ Ổn Thôi (“Gonna Be Alright”) is a project that collects coming out stories from the LGBTIQ+ community and their loved ones in Việt Nam. To find out more details or to read more stories from the project, please visit our official social media site on Instagram at ComingOutVN.
