“One of the girls.”
Personally, I’ve never had to come out, because I have always been out, despite never having told anyone about this. As early as I could remember, I’ve loved wearing dresses or playing the bride. I would always use my mom’s make-up and hung out publicly with the girls. I even openly admitted to being “one of the girls” during our playtime.
When I was a kid, some people called me a “pussy” or a f*ggot to my face. I’ve never been hurt by those comments, but I felt bad for my grandmother for having this grandson who everyone in the village knew as being not quite male, not quite female. Sometimes, I would catch a glimpse of sadness in my grandmother’s eyes. I decided to stay in the closet.
In 7th grade, I had a chance to access the Internet using an old laptop at home, and I started labeling myself as “gay.” But I didn’t quite feel like the label fit. I started joining a group called “Thái Bình LGBT Community”, that’s when I found out more about the diversity of sexual and gender identities — from then on, I redefine myself as a transwoman. I started expressing myself more boldly according to my identity. The students from younger classes started addressing me as “sister.” I wore dresses to school. Since I went to the village’s school, my family definitely knew about my gender expression, but I was never scolded for it. I count myself as lucky.
Now I’m a college senior. Whenever I come home with make-up on, my grandmother is no longer sad. She would hold me and tell me: “My grandchild looks so good with those colors on.”
As for my mom, since she works abroad, she’d only come home once every couple of years, so hiding from her would’ve been a piece of cake. But no, I sent her photos of her “daughter,” photos of me in dresses. She told me I was pretty and called me her little girl.
Aside from my parents and grandma, who I sort of kind of came out to, I’m not going to “come” out to anyone else. They’ll just have to “find” out.
*********
Rồi Sẽ Ổn Thôi (“Gonna Be Alright”) is a project that collects coming out stories from the LGBTIQ+ community and their loved ones in Việt Nam. To find out more details or to read more stories from the project, please visit our official social media site on Instagram at ComingOutVN.
